Lorne Shirinian: First nights

For my brother George

this is the way my father remembered his boyhood - 

            a series of removals 

                        and first nights

his eyes opening with the rising sun

and the animals stirring

then the odor of bread baking and his mother singing

as she prepared coffee letting it rise three times

before filling the small cup for his father

he watches him sip the rich dark liquid

and wonders when he will be able to taste it 

sitting next to his father

mother places her warm hand on his head

go wash your hands and face

and pours him warm milk

the world seemed a fine place

there was a sense of order and expectation

after he would feed the chickens 

and wait for his father to hitch the horse to the cart

then climb up and sit beside him 

as they went off on their rounds delivering charcoal

to the homes in the village

at noon when they returned

he would wash standing beside his father 

before the basin in front of their house

splashing water all over to get the black dust off

mother put out plates of bread, tomatoes, cucumbers and cheese

and the family ate together

later he would watch his father load the wagon again

for his deliveries

he felt his eyes get heavy

mother smiled sleep now my boy

he would unroll his rug and put his head down 

while his father left for his deliveries

he lay listening to the comforting sounds of the horse’s

hooves on the dirt road and the creaking of the wagon 

a lullaby that closed his eyes 

and sent him off to a peaceful sleep

one morning, days or months later

he heard new noises, strange and angry

his father rushed into the house breathing heavily 

and told him and his mother

to gather as many of their things possible 

roll them in your rugs and come outside

he remembered his mother, her head bent

why are you crying why

he did as his father asked then put the chickens

in the living room and poured bags of grain

on the floor for them

his father put his arm around him

then locked the door

we have to go now 

hurry

they climbed on to the wagon and joined the line

being led away by soldiers with long rifles

and bayonets piercing the sky

he looked around and saw his uncle and aunt up ahead 

where are they taking us, baba

they bounced along the dirt road for days

some said under their breath 

they’re taking us to Sultania

no another insisted further south to Konia 

without food and water many collapsed and were dragged away

             into the tall grass

                        never to be seen again

don’t say anything his father whispered 

just look straight ahead

he leaned tight against his mother and kept silent

when it was too dark to see 

the column stopped

his father fed the horse 

while his mother placed their rugs under the cart

we don’t know where they’re taking us 

don’t eat too much we have to save what food we have

sip the water slowly 

when you’re finished close your eyes and sleep

his confusion troubled him

who will feed the chickens

who will deliver the charcoal tomorrow

he heard his mother sobbing 

as he wrestled with his thoughts 

                                        this first night

                                                    away from home

every night there was yelling and screaming 

followed by a frightful painful silence

he kept his eyes shut tight but imagined what was happening in the dark

several days later when the soldiers forced them to rise

he searched for his aunt and uncle

where are they he wondered

his father brushed away tears 

look straight ahead my son

several days after that he asked his mother 

where his father was

he saw the fear in her eyes

he’s gone to look for uncle and aunty

no noise now look straight ahead

and he spent the first night without his father

a few days later deep into the night there was rustling around their wagon 

and the sound of someone being dragged away

through the sleep in his eyes he looked for his mother

but she wasn’t there 

all his life he would hear her calling for help

in the morning when the sun rose he looked around

but mother the horse and wagon were gone

his world had disappeared 

there was only the starving deportees

being prodded along ahead of him

he called for his mother

an old woman came to him

come with us now my boy

she took him by the hand and started walking with him

following the line that seemed to grow 

like a voracious serpent

as other lines joined other groups on the way

he spent the first night without his family

where could they have gone

why did they leave him all alone

then the old lady who was looking after him

disappeared

he went from grandmother to mother

whoever would look after him

he would gather grass to boil for soup

no one could tell him where his parents were

in the unending heat his throat burned for a drop 

of water

his stomach was knotted in pain

he saw many things that would haunt him forever

he learned the importance of silence but observed everything

he understood what was necessary to survive

only later would he realize the cost

four years later people who spoke a different language 

came and took all of the young children 

who were wandering through the countryside away

you’re safe now we’ll look after you

he didn’t know what they were saying but they smiled

and were kind 

in the camp they shaved his head 

washed him and bandaged his wounds

gave him new clothes bread and soup to eat

there was a large room with many beds where he slept 

along with hundreds of other young boys

who asked every day 

where their fathers and mothers were

but no one could tell them

I want to go home he said but was told

I’m sorry my boy it isn’t possible

he remembers his first night in the orphanage

as he did in all the other orphanages

Changelkeuy near Istanbul

Erenkeuy also near Istanbul

the Lord Mayor’s Fund of London’s orphanage 

in Corfu

and then after the final voyage away from his home

over the Mediterranean and the Atlantic

he arrived at the Georgetown Farm Home 

for Armenian orphans in Ontario Canada

he knew he would never again see his parents 

or his home 

he would become someone else

with the remembrance of all the first nights 

wondering where are my mother and father

where’s home

June 25, 2016